No Life

for the past 3 days, i have not set foot out of my house.
yep. i dnt know what ive been doing with my life but its definitely not anything even remotely constructive.
im becoming sucha lazy person. i reply texts like 5hrs late and i cant even bring myself to sign into msn anymore. i didnt even buy anything on9 becos i just dread the ibanking part )': and seriously, I NEED TO STOP TAKING NAPS. i dnt know why i feel sleepy all the time its not like i even used much energy. i dnt mean to be sucha pig but my bed is just sooo comfy to lie on.. yknow? btw i feel damn pathetic and no life typing this chunk of words. oh and tdy nlb sent me a letter reminding me to pay my fines. 3 words: failure at seventeen.

zzzzz i dk why but this is rly getting to me. after eoys thr was pw, and then WORK, then msia to visit my grandma.... so when i finally got free time i just wanted to reallyy relax. but i guess i got too carried away with 'doing nothing' and rolling on my bed. too much of doing nothing is not relaxing at all, and it also kind of screws up your sleeping cycle. the dissatisfaction i feel at the end of the day is really worse than being dog-tired. and i feel so useless and lazy this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i nvr wanna spend an entire day rotting in my house ever agn. pretty sure even my maid thinks im pathetic.

thus this is a reminder to self: STOP BEING A LAZY ASS OR YOU'RE GONNA ROT AWAY AND DISINTEGRATE INTO A PILE OF USELESS CRAP.


on the bright side, my schedule is seriously jam packed from this weekend onwards. i get mentally tired just thinking abt it but owell at least i wldnt have any chance to continue rotting at home.

this place is filled with random emo-shit ramblings. its sad becos next time when i re-read this blog im just gonna rmb myself as a depressed and angsty (and lazy) teenager. which i am not, most of the time.

):

What am I doing with my life?????

Mopey

"Right now i feel guilty to be alive. Why? Because I'm wasting it. I've been given this life and all I do is mope it away."

Why do I feel this way? I can never stop myself from thinking too much.
Ending this train of thought before I start sounding all too cliche. Having known how it feels like to get (what I feel is) the best, I can no longer settle for all this normalcy and.. average-ness.
Need to stop benchmarking and comparing everything because it gets so tiring. Unhappiness and unfulfilment are such energy-draining emotions. So is the sort of regret you totally deserve because of your own lack of effort. And the feeling of not being good enough. Slowly but surely all these add on to the emptiness you feel at night. Thoughts about nothing, thoughts about everything.
 
"Perspective. Then I started thinking about the downside to perspective. Perspective basically guarantees that there's no such thing as a pure emotion. Every emotion is based on how sucky (or not) something is in relation to something else that has already happened." - Sloppy Firsts by Megan McCafferty

I ought to stop taking things for granted, especially the people who bring about the times where I truly truly feel happy and content. Store these magical feelings in a little bottle, for future use in times of need.  

Departed

Today I realised that I can't even remember how you look like anymore.. You are the black hole in my universe.

Ache

It feels quite like a heartbreak.
So many questions, so much nostalgia.
The rest of this emptiness filled up with everything that has been left unsaid.

I want to be a different person so badly.

First

I'M GOING TO WORK SO HARD.

That's what i tell myself after getting back my results year after year.
But this year it's different because i really have to make it happen.